have faith, not fear

It's almost midnight. I have been working, doing homework, in class, or in meetings since 8 am this morning. And I still need to do a search and read several of articles about mycotoxins, chronic fatigue syndrome, and gas-chromatography/mass spectroscopy analysis.

Why, you ask? Here is the story of my 4 (potential) graduate projects:

Project #1: It all started last September when I thought I had my graduate project nailed down, but when it came time to propose the thesis, the IRB complications I was facing would have taken 3+ months. 3+ months of time that I needed to do my fieldwork.

Project #2: I scrapped my first project in favor of trying to merge my field research with a project. With the ok of my field mentor, I embarked on what I thought was a good organizational assessment portraying the specific needs of the health system in a given state. When I presented it to my supervisor, I was shot down. Even though I thought I had approval to combine the field research and my project, it was then implied that I was more concerned about what X organization could do for me than my actual work. And then I was told that I couldn't take the data with me because it is technically confidential.

Project #3: I found an RA position at the university that showed some potential. There was some secondary data that needed some analyzing, and the data had some interesting questions that could be generated. I needed to conduct some additional analyses for the work to qualify as a project. For those with an epidemiology background, I wanted to do a case control study. However, the data was pretty limited: I only had cases, no controls. Upon contacting the owners of the original data, I discovered that is no way to identify controls because the data system doesn't track historical data. Meaning, that I can only look up information pertinent to that current day. So, if you want information about X from yesterday, you're out of luck. That also means that I have no controls. No controls means no study.

Project #4: I talked to a professor in my program, and he had a epidemiological pilot study that can only be summed in one word: SWEET. The study would investigate the presence of mycotoxins in people with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. However, lab tests are expensive and I need to find enough houses with water damage, whose owners has CFS to do it. And the college that houses my department just got disbanded, and a huge chunk of funding that I normally can apply for is now gone. I also need to find a lab that will let me use their equipment for free, or a discounted fee.

So, one year of failed attempts at developing a project, plus a summer involving much frustration and disappointment really has not set this semester up to be a great one.

Luckily, I am not easily discouraged. Some would call it naive optimism, others would refer to it as sheer, bull-headed stubbornness. I like to think it's a little bit of both. I refuse to let (what seems like) fate discourage me from finishing. I simply refuse to fail.

Lately, I have taken much solace in the words of 1 Nephi 4:6: And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.

I knew this is where I needed to be. I knew prior to applying to this program, taking the GRE, and even prior to finishing my application that I would be admitted. Even though I had no intention of staying at the same university for graduate school, I knew that this specific program was where I needed to be. Now it's just a matter of having enough faith to hang on.