Questions and answers

I have a habit of questioning everything. I can't help it. I question people, motivations, thoughts, culture, ethics - why things are the way they are, whether that's how they should be, and whether it is possible to improve current situations. Prior to starting class, I think the impending sense of doom that I was feeling turned into this intensive soul-searching period of questioning. I went through this same period back in January and April, but I found myself asking the same questions over again: Is this what I really am supposed to be doing? Why am I doing this to myself? What am I expecting out of this entire experience? Am I even smart enough or creative enough or old enough or tall enough to be doing this?

What if I am just simply not enough?

You can probably tell that the questions were not helping at all. I finally just went for a really long run, and had an epiphany. I don't need to ask myself these questions, because they have already been answered.

I love what I do. I love learning about diseases and ways to prevent them. I love the fact that I am learning skills that will benefit thousands of people at one time. I believe in the sanctity of life, and I believe in the protection, preservation, and nurturing of life. I already know that my education is going to benefit me and my future family. And I know that my motivations for seeking higher education aren't selfish reasons. I am not in this for wealth or fame, I'm just trying my best to make the right decision.

Over Labor Day weekend, my sister brought up questions that reminded me of the ones I had been asking myself. Except this time, I wasn't scared - I already knew the answers to my questions, but I just needed to be reminded of my answers.

Although I occasionally hate my analytical brain and the stress it induces, I am thankful for the ability and freedom to ask questions. What would our lives be like if we never asked questions? I think it would be a very boring existence.

The Book of Mormon speaks about the need for opposition in all things. I don't think that opposition is bad - you have to taste bitterness in order to learn what is sweet. In order to get answers of depth that I crave, I have to ask hard questions, despite the fact that they are stressful and cause great uncertainty. However, I also know that I am able to receive the answers that I crave, and I am very grateful to be able to receive those answers.

I have come to the conclusion that I am very blessed, lucky, fortunate, whatever you want to call it, to be able to choose my field of study, and to be given the opportunity that I have right now to do work that I am passionate about. And that I really shouldn't worry about being enough. What is that supposed to mean anyway? (jk)