Those who need us the most

The Association for Women in Science (AWIS) is a network of female scientists from all disciplines. The association has a chapter here in Boston that connects female scientists from all stages of life to provide mentoring and social support.

Having heard good things about AWIS, I thought it would be worth attending a meeting. The topic of the meeting was "Balancing a Successful Career and Family." I thought I wasn't going to be able to make it because I had biostatistics at the same time as the meeting. Luckily, class ended early. I slipped into the back of the room with my free dinner.

I didn't catch much of the meeting, but the part I did catch made me glad that I am stubborn and question what people tell me. This lady, who apparently was the keynote speaker, stood up and advocated hiring out grocery shopping, driving kids from place to place, cooking, and cleaning. She said that not showing up for soccer games, and saying no to family functions was a way to get people to take you and your career seriously. She also said that kids would be happy going to day care, that it would teach them to be independent, and that they would only see it as a bad thing if you tell them day care is a sad place to go.

She then told a story about how her son came into her bedroom while she and her husband were getting dressed and threw up on himself. This was a portion of their dialogue:

Her: I'm wearing a suit.
Him: I'm wearing a suit.
Her: I am presenting at the meeting.
Him: I'm also presenting at the meeting.
Her: My boss will be there.
Him: My boss's boss will will be there.

Both parents cleaned the vomit off their child and put him in daycare until Grandpa came to take care of him.

I was appalled. Here is a well respected woman advocating the outsourcing of child rearing under the guise that it provides children with greater independence.

I can understand the use of daycare, but what I don't understand is how nonchalant this woman is making the decision seem. I understand her desire to contribute and be well-rounded. I can understand her perspective on saying no to certain family events. I am not pointing fingers. I'm not going to tell people what to do, or what to think.

But, I do know that raising kids and having a good family life are the best things that I can do. Although I love what I do for work, there are many people in this world that can do it just as well, or better than I can.

In contrast, my future children will only have one mother their whole life. And that person is me. No daycare or babysitter can take my place. I know that I cannot in good conscience leave my 3 month old in the care of a stranger. I can't worry about a meeting if my son is throwing up. I don't want to miss those small moments that make parenthood worthwhile. The first smile, the first word, the first step, the first day at school. These small memories cannot be replaced or recreated. These small blessings make family and children worthwhile. If I have learned anything in my 2+ decades of life, it's that small moments need to be treasured and remembered.

Women have interesting issues to deal with. We have great expectations placed on us, and we expect just as much from ourselves. We ask ourselves all types of questions. Should I work? Should I not work? How much should I work? Am I a bad mom if I work? What if my house doesn't look perfect because I'm at work? We get signals that tell us we need to be everything, do everything, and look good doing it. But it's not feasible to do everything at the same time. You'd go crazy trying to do it all and trying to be it all.

I don't think we need to define ourselves by standards that the AWIS speaker advocated, nor do we need to be confined by the strict 1950's view of a barefoot and pregnant woman. I think we have a great opportunity to be curious, to explore, and to enrich our lives and our families' lives. But I hope in that pursuit, we do not forget the people who depend on us. And I hope we do not forget how much they truly need us.